Parenting Weirdness
I’ve seen a lot of questions lately about “bonding.” How do you bond in pregnancy if you don’t know the gender? How do you bond with a newborn? What helps you bond?
And, honestly, how do you not bond with them?
Likewise, I saw a bunch of “guilty confessions” a week ago or so, and I guess people can feel bad about anything. “The baby bathes with me.” “I watch TV when nursing.” “The baby wears pajamas all day.” “I don’t burp her after night feedings, I just put her back in the bassinet.” “I drink coffee every day.”
Apparently, those are things I’m supposed to feel guilty about? On Planet Crazy, where the RoboMoms reign supreme?
Fucking-A.
I was told a couple of times that becoming a mom puts you in the Super Seekrit Squirrel Club in a way. You’ve got something in common with the other moms. You’ve SEEN THE OTHER SIDE! But, so far there’s a lot that I’m just not getting. Like the guilt thing. ‘Cause, well, no. I don’t feel like a bad mom. I don’t feel like a bad wife. I’m not freaking out about my body. I’m not spazzing about the housework. I don’t feel like I’ve lost myself. I dunno.
I think that maybe it’s like the “I’m So Fat” wars that some women have. “I’m so fat!” “You’re not fat! I’m fat!” Self-loathing as social currency. It seems like now I’m supposed to play the Bad Mommy Game. Who’s hitting bottom? Who’s hiding in the bathroom? Who’s husband sucks the most? Who can’t take it anymore? Who needs a cocktail? Who breaks the parenting “rules” the most?
I just don’t get it.
Of course, I also don’t get the fucking MILF thing, either. I do not wish to be a “MILF.” For one, there’s a grammatical issue going on there—I can’t fuck myself, really, and telling someone else to fuck themselves is traditionally an insult. Seriously, y’all my cousin sent me some sort of MILF-related graphic on MySpace, which come to find out, isn’t an incestuous lesbian thing—it’s supposed to be a compliment. And, one that seems pretty common. I am, apparently, supposed to aspire to MILFdom.
So, judging from things so far, the current Ideal Mom is a guilt-ridden, neurotic hottie. That’s worried about bonding.
Fuck that.
tags: parenting
If you can find another new mom who you can laugh with, that goes a very long way toward keeping the Perfectionist Mothers from making you crazy. It just takes one other person.. And yeah, you ARE supposed to be a guilt ridden neurotic hottie, didn’t you know that?
— Rootietoot Dec 27, 01:26 PM #
Lol. I bought an old copy of Dr. Spock from the used bookstore, and it’s weird how much more relaxed about parenting it is than the manic, hyperparents of today.
— Vanessa Dec 28, 12:22 PM #
Ooh. When the first Dr. Spock came out it was pretty common for families to include four kids before you were 30. I’m pretty sure you CAN’T be psychoUBERMom with four kids. It’s the people that start at 30 and then have two kids five years apart that have the luxury of being total freaks about things, I think.
— Veronica Dec 28, 02:37 PM #
Great post! You have the right outlook – hang on to that. Yeah, I don’t get that whole personality change just becuase you’ve given birth.
It doesn’t stop as time goes on, either. My kids are teens, one in college, and I really can’t stand the Mom Club at the schools. None of my close friends are moms, which wasn’t purposeful, it just kind of turned out that way. I just don’t fit in with that mom clique. I mean, please, just because our kids are in high school, doesn’t mean WE are, get a friggin’ grip.
I do admit missing my MILFness, though. That societal thing that women deal with—for some reason, having “mom” added to any of the standard-of-beauty negatives (weight, age, grey hair, whatever society dubs undesirable), makes a woman even more of a “dud” in society’s eyes. Like, you can be overweight and a hot single, but if you’re an overweight mom, then the assumption is, “oh, she’s let herself go,” It’s hard not to be bothered by those societal assumptions, to not feel the need to prove, no, I’m not “just a mom”, I am still a woman.
Kudos to you for such a healthy attitude, and it will do so much good for your son to see that in you as he grows up.
— more cowbell Dec 29, 01:30 PM #