Nine Pearls-Blogging for Fun and Cash Prizes

Lawyer Jokes

I found these somewhere…

These are from a book called Disorder in the
American Courts, taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
of something you forgot?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband
said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it
until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the
twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)
was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh…. I was getting laid!
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated
it?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people. Would you like to rephrase that?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still
been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law

tags: funny