Call Me Rod McManlypants
You ever say to yourself, “This is the dumbest fucking thing I’ve read all day?”
Well… brace yourself.
Jack Malebranche (yes, really) would like bludgeon you into True Manliness using only the powers of his Highly Potent Satanic Gay Republicanism.
GAY IS DEAD. The word gay has never described mere homosexuality. Gay is a subculture, a slur, a set of gestures, a slang, a look, a posture, a parade, a rainbow flag, a film genre, a taste in music, a hairstyle, a marketing demographic, a bumper sticker, a political agenda and philosophical viewpoint. Gay is a pre-packaged, superficial persona—a lifestyle. It’s a sexual identity that has almost nothing to do with sexuality.
Are you starting to get the woozilies, yet?
Androphilia is a rejection of the overloaded gay identity and a return to a discussion of homosexuality in terms of desire: a raw, apolitical sexual desire and the sexualized appreciation for masculinity as experienced by men. The gay sensiblility is a near-oblivious embrace of a castrating slur, the nonstop celebration of an age-old, emasulating stimga applied to men who engaged in homosexual acts. Gays and radical queers imagine that they challenge the status quo, but in appropriating the stigma of effeminacy, they merely conform to and confirm long-established expectations. Men who love men have been paradoxically cast as the enemies of masculinity—slaves to the feminist pipe dream of a ‘gender-neutral’ (read: anti-male, pro-female) world.
Shorter Malebranche: Real men love real, manly men. Not them there queers.
And, who knew? Gay men are the real victims of the Big Gay Agenda! You heard it from the Ann Coulter loving, Anton LaVey quoting, fag hag hating, Original Androphiliac first!
Androphlia is a manifesto full of truly dangerous ideas: that men can have sex with men and retain their manhood, that homosexuality can be about championing a masculine ideal rather than attacking it, and that the wicked, oppressive ‘construct of masculinity’ despised by the gay community could actually enrich and improve the lives of homosexual and bisexual men. Androphilia is for those men who never really bought what the gay community was selling; it’s a challenge to leave the gay world completely behind and to rejoin the world of men, unapologetically, as androphliles, but more importantly, as men.
Um…
See… gay men rejected the world of Real Masculine Man-Loving Manliness—they abandoned it. It’s not like they were chased out with clubs and torches. No, siree.
There are excerpts from the book he’s selling…
Why would a man who values his masculinity, who wants to be taken seriously by other men, want to identify himself as gay? To do so is to put oneself in the position of having to disprove the connotations of frivolity and effeminacy that the word absolutely does carry. If you’re male, referring to yourself as gay is a bit like wearing eyeliner: you can get people to look past it, but they probably wouldn’t be surprised if they caught you wearing a dress.
It’s kind of like he’s a tiny gay man that lives entirely in James Dobson’s head.
The Gay Advocacy Industry must maintain the illusion of oppression and victimization so that hundreds of thousands of checkbook revolutionaries can believe that they are fighting for their own freedom. But the truth is that they’re already free to do just about anything.
Apparently, they’re free to do just about anything except identify as gay without massive judgment and huge cultural baggage being assigned to them by conservative assholes with book deals.
Masculine conservatives who are Real Manly Men that wouldn’t ever wear dresses or be frivolous. Serious men. Men with all of the testosterone, but none of the hair. Men that reject musical theater as a valid form of masculine expression.
But, remember folks—his basic assertion is that Gay means icky, fairy Queen, and everyone knows it.
Which makes the first half of the next sentence much more mind-boggling.
Now that tolerance for homosexuality is widespread and oppression is minimal, the next step in sexual liberation is to challenge the idea that sexuality creates ethnicity—to do away with the assumption that a man who prefers men is a separate, essentially different sort of man, a gay man, whose sexuality determines his interests, his politics and the way he expresses his gender. The idea that same-sex-oriented men are not true men is perhaps the most deeply ingrained and most limiting prejudice they face, and it is one that the gay identity only reinforces by socially segregating men into two groups—straight and gay.
So… declaring that you are homosexual is the problem. Back in the closet, Bucko—coming out only proves that you… want to get physical with other dudes. Which makes you gay.
Or, something.
Seriously, is he actually saying anything? Or is it all just a convoluted lament, a sad song wandering like a cool wind over Jordan, because he is the only Manly Gay Satanist at his local Republican club, and DAMMIT, he’s lonely! He is the Wayfaring Stranger.
All he wants is love, y’all.
Manly, masculine love that votes Republican. Like Real Men do.
Gay masculinity is a fetishistic, masturbatory reading of masculinity; it’s mute, like a page torn from a porn or bodybuilding magazine. Gays stop at sartorial and physical imitation, or cop a particular hypermasculine attitude drawn from some dreamy archive of fuzzy pornographic memories. ‘Masculinity’ in the gay community is more often than not a form of drag; it seems shallow and affected and silly—like some Halloween costume designed by the Village People. Many gay men want to look like men, but they’re unwilling to try or uninterested in really becoming men.
Whereas overbearing machismo in straight dudes is 100% authentic and not at all about show.
And, ya know… the cover of his book features two gladiator helmets.
Draw your own conclusions.
More info and pictures of Captain Malebranche, Manly Man Esquire, can be found here.
tags: manliness
call me silly, but i thought we already had this.
they were called bears.
excuse me while i go off and scour the interwebs for photographic evidence of the historicity of this part of gay culture.
ahem.
— sly civilian May 31, 07:21 AM #
Bears don’t count. Unless they vote republican.
— Veronica May 31, 10:21 AM #
In other words, assimilate yourselves into the Straight White Male culture, and we’ll all be fine! It’s not about the SWM culture accepting you, it’s about you making yourself fit to those standards, because the SWM culture’s acceptance is the only acceptance that matters!
Fuck that.
And what’s with this gem: “Many gay men want to look like men, but they’re unwilling to try or uninterested in really becoming men.”
What? So, now this guy’s The Decider too? What do men “look like”, according to this guy? Is he going to publish a checklist? And “uninterested in becoming men”? What? I’m sorry, but being a man is about gender honey, not orientation. Gay, straight, flaming, bear whatever, all MEN. Get your issues straight, buddy.
So yes, as a matter of fact, I did think to myself, “This is the dumbest fucking thing I’ve read all day.” Sheesh. Assclown.
— more cowbell May 31, 01:31 PM #
Yup.
Honestly, it’s too damned bizarre to really make me angry. I just keep giggling. I mean… he’s a homosexual that hates gayness, a Satanist that supports Republicans, and… he’s obsessed with masculinity and named Malebranche. It’s hard to believe he really exists. I kind of wonder if it's not a clever parody.
— Veronica May 31, 01:41 PM #
Are we sure that he really does exist? He seems like something we would have to invent if he didn’t.
What is it with all these people who keep insisting “well, I feel like X, therefore so must everyone else! Right? Come on, you know I’m right!”.
Well, I can think of one guy who he can hang out with. That dude who got in on the White House press corps because he was banging some Republican dude? Totally this guy’s type.
— CassandraSays May 31, 09:42 PM #
“Rod McManlypants” is the funniest thing I’ve read all day. Imma gonna call my husband that one when he’s acting all tough and masculine!
— Donna Jun 1, 12:59 AM #
It’s kind of like he’s a tiny gay man that lives entirely in James Dobson’s head.
Along with Rod McManlypants, this also is a keeper. Nailed!
— ilyka Jun 1, 07:30 PM #
Ilyka beat me to it. hahahahahaha.
and: oy. yeah, we did do this, not even bears (poor bears, what’d they do to be compared to this git?) but “post-gay,” came a little closer to the je ne sais pretentious dweebism of this dude. hell, I’m sure I’ve known some bitter old queens (not that he’s one of THEM, CHRIST NO) who adore Ann Coulter too; anyway I bet the “Ann Coulter realness” drag show I once saw wasn’t entirely ironic for everyone participating.
Anton LaVey is a new one though. “Faghags are psychic vampires.” OKAY!
“bless his heart.”
actually, you know, this sort of shite goes way back: also see, f’r instance (try to read this with a straight face) “Uranism.”
— belledame222 Jun 1, 08:49 PM #
“And, ya know… the cover of his book features two gladiator helmets.
Draw your own conclusions.”
...He’s the gay Ralphie Cifaretto?
— Piny Jun 1, 10:32 PM #
poor bears, what’d they do to be compared to this git?
Good call.
— Veronica Jun 1, 11:02 PM #
Either he or one of his many unwitting imitators just showed up at my place, y’all.
“Do you even know what Satanists believe?”
(Church Lady Voice)
“In…SATAN?!”
— Piny Jun 2, 08:12 AM #
snort!
if he means the LaVey thing, pretty much just think Austin Powers in Goth drag, and what of it? dude, we’re mocking you; if you want to help out with the nuances, by all means, but…
— belledame222 Jun 2, 09:42 AM #
I bet he walks around the grocery store with his elbows all cocked out, doing the Man Arms thing. And makes sure there’s always a big steak in the cart, so nobody mistakes him for, like, a sissy.
— little light Jun 2, 12:18 PM #
Probably. Someone sent me photographic evidence that he lurks local rail yards with a baseball bat, looking suspiciously like That One Guy that Got Kicked Out of Amtguard for Suggesting Everyone Do PCP, and That's Not Cool, Man.
— Veronica Jun 2, 03:34 PM #
anyway i assumed that “Jack Malebranche” is probably his nom de git; his real name’s probably Eustace Finkelstein or something.
— belledame222 Jun 3, 12:18 PM #
nom de git
LOL!!!
— JackGoff Jun 3, 12:29 PM #
Name-calling. Personal attacks. Bitchy comments.
You can always count on a fag to live up to the stereotype.
— Jay Jun 3, 12:34 PM #
Now he has hypocritical minions thinking I’m a gay dude… This is almost as much fun as the “You must be a MRA!” Game at Twisty’s…
I suppose in Bizarro World, it's, like, Totally Gay to call someone a "Wayfaring Stranger..." But, 100% MANLY to call a pregnant chick a fag... You can always count on Penis Obsessed Weirdos to be raging misogynists.
— Veronica Jun 3, 02:12 PM #
Oh, no, not ridicule! “Snatchy” was the drowning of his moral high ground, I think. Unless I’ve just got the etymology completely wrong there.
— piny Jun 3, 05:34 PM #
It use to be that you could accuse anyone who disagreed with you of being a self-hating, self-loathing misogynist who suffers from internalized homophobia and it would silence your critics. But that’s not working anymore. And it scares the hell out of you.
— Jay Jun 4, 10:23 AM #
Yes! We shake in our stilettos* at the thought that Rod et al. aren’t cowed by accusations of sexism like men all over the world, um, used to be.
If you’re a gay men who thinks gay men can always be trusted to live up to this negative stereotype of gay men—even when they’re women, because that stereotype is just so very, very true—how is it kneejerk to argue that you suffer from internalized homophobia? It’s homophobic to believe hateful things about gay men as a class, isn’t it? And it’s misogynist to use words like “snatchy” as insults, isn’t it?
*Or is it manky birkenstocks this week? I forget.
— piny Jun 4, 11:17 AM #
You know what the best part of this is? “Sorry, dude, not actually a gay man,” didn’t even faze Jay over here.
— piny Jun 4, 11:30 AM #
Silencing? Dude… I’m Mocking and Laughing—and… maybe even goading a little... and, clearly, it’s working, as you managed to find your way back here. It’s not my fault you, using your intensely MANLY power of observation, can’t detect gleeful amusement. But, YEAH... keep on proving you can't be silenced, you unencumbered bastion of masculine penis power!!! Dance, Monkey! Dance!! Tell me, again, just how dangerous your ideas are!!
— Veronica Jun 4, 12:00 PM #
I am, by cracky! I am terrified of—um, who or what exactly are you, anyway?
— belledame222 Jun 4, 02:21 PM #