Chaos Theory
I’ve been working my ass off. This is my first day off in, like, two weeks.
I have been thinking a lot, recently. But, it’s all very angst ridden, lame, personal stuff.
I considered just shutting the blog down, as I’m not sure what to do with it these days. The things I need to work out, well, aren’t probably things I need to be working out here.
So, posting has sucked recently. Or, at least, I feel like it has.
But, my brain has been working overtime. Just not on anything fun to write about.
Ren wrote a lengthy entry about rage and upbringing and general misanthropy. Which prompted post from BlackAmazon who does angry often, as well.
I used to be angry.
I’m not so much, anymore.
Shit happens, people can be assholes, blah, blah, blah, whineycakes.
The world is what it is.
Life isn’t fair, ‘cause the Universe really just doesn’t give a fuck. That’s not it’s job.
So, I don’t do angry here all that often.
Apparently, I’m showing. Some dude asked about it earlier today. But, really, I look like I might just have an ice cream addiction.
He could have made a total ass of himself.
Supposedly, we construct our “world view” in childhood. We come up with a way we think it all works, and we try to apply what we learn about being human and functioning in society. Sometimes we learn stuff that works. Sometimes we don’t.
What I learned, better than anything, is to expect chaos.
The rug can get pulled out from under you at any second. And, it will.
It took a while for me to figure out that some folks don’t learn that one. Let me tell you—it still shocks me. I don’t understand. I almost don’t like people that don’t “get it.” Sure, it’s small of me, and it’s unfair. But, there’s a certain amount of resenting that goes on—those folks that run around somehow convinced that “planning” works? People that think if you do A and B and C, then it will all add up to X?
I’m much more familiar with, “You do A, run out of money for B, C has been discontinued, then someone loses their job or your house burns down or your car gets totaled, and it all adds up to moving back in with your relatives.”
If things are going well, I’m waiting for disaster. I expect crisis. I don’t trust security—I think “security” is just crisis on hiatus.
The larva kicks. It doesn’t like waistbands that fall under my navel.
I don’t want to know what the gender is. I’m not even remotely curious, and that makes me think there’s something wrong with me. I feel better not knowing, like everything is up in the air.
It’s not like I wasn’t told, “A + B + C = X!”
Get the good grades. Go to college. Don’t do drugs. Yadda, yadda. Pursue the American Dream.
All while “A + b(.5) + C/C = WTF!” went down around me.
So, of course, as a teenager, I assumed that if I’d been told by everyone that it was simple, then it must be simple. And, people that don’t manage it must be morons. Weak. Defective.
Up by your bootstraps.
But… only some people get boots.
Who’s gonna tell their kid that they may be stuck in stocking feet? Who wants to believe that about the world, when they’re trying to claw their way out of the muck themselves?
My sister said to my mother, shortly after my nephew was born, “It’s all designed to keep us right where we are.”
Mom’s eyebrows shot up. Mom doesn’t believe that. Mom listens to Zig Ziggler and Tony Robbins and The Millionaire Next Door.
I said, “Yeah, pretty much.”
But, maybe, right? Maybe.
There’s always maybe.
But, even a good job won’t stave off the crazy. And, crazy is in our genes. Poor makes crazy worse, but you can’t spend crazy away.
I use to wonder if we were cursed. Fucked up in the blood. Taught some unconscious pattern of self-destruction, passing it along without knowing it.
I still wonder.
And, it scares the living shit out of me.
‘Cause I don’t want to be doomed.
So.. that’s why blogging with any depth has been put on hold. I’m panicking at a slow simmer.
And, you know… I’m all hormonal and cranky. And, banned from beer.
It’ll be okay.
I hope.
tags: personal problems
for years i feared that the rage i carry in my veins was uncontrollable. now? now i think it’s still there but age and space have quieted it to the point where i feel i can have a handle on it. i used to think i wouldn’t have children because i wouldn’t be able to not fuck them up. now? now i don’t know what lies before me, but i’m not afraid that i’ll break them or continue the cycle of abuse so in that respect, i am sure that change and growth is possible.
congratulations on the ice cream addiction! :D
— patricia May 11, 09:17 PM #
Thanks!
And, I’m glad the pissed off part is over. It takes up too much energy.
— Veronica May 11, 10:11 PM #
Beautifully written, Veronica! I’ve also internalized the expectation of chaos. I’m working on the one upside of that: when something does not turn to crap, I’m amazed and grateful.
Congrats on building another one!
— Ravenmn May 12, 07:36 AM #
As they say in baseball, where allegedly there is no crying: “It doesn’t matter how far ahead you are in the seventh, you can still lose it in the ninth.”
— CGHill May 12, 09:49 AM #
“I don’t want to know what the gender is. I’m not even remotely curious, and that makes me think there’s something wrong with me. I feel better not knowing, like everything is up in the air.”
I felt the same way with my first 3. Nothing wrong with that.
— rootietoot May 12, 04:29 PM #
I kind of get that expectation of chaos. it didn’t play out in any such concrete way—by the time it got to my-my-my generation we were doing well economically—but, some sort of inherited cultural/psychochemical something or other. the paradox of dread/anxiety being, oddly, more comforting than relaxing into any feeling of security. because it’s familiar. and because, you don’t wanna be
off guard.hope the ‘mones settle down shortly. and, y’know…no need to shut it down really, even if you’re feeling uninspired. you can always come back to it.
or, you can tell us about your food cravings or something…
— belledame222 May 12, 05:06 PM #
eh, when ya got no boots, rage keeps your toes warm.
— RenegadeEvolution May 12, 09:22 PM #
Rage was only ever a tip-toe step from total despair. If I've hit raging, things have gone too far.
— Veronica May 12, 10:17 PM #
V: for me rage has always let me know I am still ready to fight, up for a challenge, primed and ready to go…when I feel I’m not, when I feel beaten…thats dispair for me.
— RenegadeEvolution May 13, 08:29 AM #
I dunno.
If I cultivated rage, Ren, I’d be in prison.
Not a healthy option for me.
Like some people can digest milk, and others can’t.
You explained that it keeps you motivated. That's fine. That doesn't mean that everyone is 1.) rage-y about the same things, or 2.) processes that rage in the same way.
— Veronica May 13, 11:02 AM #
There is always maybe.
I have been in some crazy places, where getting two or three hours of sleep regularly was frequent and fear was constant. These periods can sometimes be followed by much calmer ones.
It WILL be okay.
— Octogalore May 13, 11:57 AM #
V: I get that, tis all good…I actually don’t recommend the rage diet for everyone, really ;)
— RenegadeEvolution May 13, 01:37 PM #
Rage doesn’t work for me either. I prefer calm resignation and subversion when I can get away with it.
I can’t say that it will all be ok, because none of us read the future, but I could say something really trite and Christian and make you roll your eyes, if you’d like.
— rootietoot May 14, 12:24 PM #
Oh, dear. Heh heh.
— Veronica May 14, 01:15 PM #
Rage works for me in little spurts, when I’m feeling like I’m stuck and in need of a kick in the ass, but in general? Not so much.
I used to be a much angrier person, but at some point it just quietly faded away. I still see the same things that used to make me angry, and they’re still wrong, but the rage isn’t there. I think maybe at some point one simply stops taking it personally.
Expecting chaos helps a lot, actually. If you’re expecting order you’re going to be disappointed over and over again. I’m kind of where Raven’s at – expect madness and be happy when instead you get something else. Take joy where you can find it.
Sorry to take so long to chime in, I was taking another little hiatus. Hope you’re doing OK, and if you ever need someone to rant and wail to you have my e-mail.
— CassandraSays May 15, 10:35 PM #