His Name is Axl Raeden
The most entertaining part of pregnancy boards are the name threads, and yes, I mean “entertaining” in the most condescending of ways. As in, I am laughing at the misfortune of small children in unknown locations.
People are mean.
STOCKHOLM, Sweden – Metallica may work as a name for a heavy metal band, but a Swedish couple is struggling to convince authorities it’s also suitable for a baby girl.Sweden’s tax agency rejected Michael and Karolina Tomaro’s application to name their 6-month-old daughter after the legendary rock band, whose hits include “Enter Sandman.”
“It suits her,” Karolina Tomaro, 27, said Tuesday of the name. “She’s decisive, and she knows what she wants.”
Honestly, those Swedes oughta be glad that Metallica didn’t sue them. Hetfield and co. know what they want, and that’s money.
Anywho, aside from people that are flat out cruel—naming their kids Metallica and Google and Luv Seamon—there are the “creative” types.
Now, I’m all for creativity. Go paint something. Write a song. Express yourself.
It’s just that when a person inflicts their “creativity” onto an innocent bystander that I tend to think, “What an asshole.”
So, since we all know that it’s tantamount that some strange woman on the internet not think you’re an asshole, I’ll offer up some basic guidelines.
- If your kid isn’t ever going to live on Middle Earth, then maybe, just maybe, it’s really not okay to peg your child as being the progeny of total dorks for the rest of their lives. +2 to damage for anyone with a little Arwen or Samwise. This applies to all the would-be parents of Celtic royalty, Saxon bards, and assorted Druids, as well.
- Likewise, if there are no Jedi on your homeplanet, it’s possible that you shouldn’t sell your kid out to George Lucas.
- Aesthetically selecting a name from a culture you’re not related to, immersed in, or really even vaguely acquainted with is both bad form and an excellent way to end up with a kid who’s name translates to “dog food jock strap.”
- If you’ve made up a name, please make sure it’s decipherable. It’s one thing to name your kid Shaya or Raydson. It’s entirely another to name your kid Cheighye or Rhaihdghson.
- Despite deciding that “Danger” or “Racer” or “Steele” would make a totally rad name when you were in the 2nd grade and really thought Transformers were tubular, perhaps you should re-think those long held dreams and opt to not saddle your kid with something that makes them sound like a unpurchased five and dime action figure.
I know that accidents happen. Weird nickname combinations. Whatever. I personally wonder what my own mother was thinking. But, given that the running joke at the time was that I should be “Penny Anne,” I guess she did a good enough job. It’s the people that would hear, “Penny Anne Nichols! THAT’S SO CUTE!!!” that scare me.
tags: funny
I once knew a woman named Maleria.
— kactus Apr 16, 07:57 PM #
Maleria? That’s just mean.
I went to middle school with a Mary Cherryberry.
— Veronica Apr 16, 08:51 PM #
You would totally laugh at my little man’s name.
Let’s just say he’s the undiscovered super hero for people who hunt the world over. It doesn’t help that he’s invinceable too. He can’t get hurt no matter what he does…except in his sleep…
I tried to tell my husband that you can’t give a kid with a word for a last name, a word for a first name. To no avail.
When we go to the doctor, the nurses giggle every time they call him back. I bet they wrestle each other over who will get to call him back whenever we visit.
— Beth Apr 16, 09:30 PM #
He can’t get hurt no matter what he does…except in his sleep…
Now, that is a superpower.
— Veronica Apr 17, 12:03 AM #
Veronica you reminded me of my school. I knew a Rose Nutt, Rose Bush, and a King James. Weird.
— kactus Apr 17, 08:41 AM #
I used to work with a Richard Long.
— Octogalore Apr 17, 09:53 AM #
When I was born, another new mom told my mom she named the baby Cigarette.
My mom (horrified): “That’s certainly an interesting name, what made you think of that?”
Cigarette’s mom: “I figured it would remind her to never smoke.”
WTF?? I mean, there aren’t even any good nicknames out of that. Cigi? Rett? Retta, I guess. I have no idea what her middle name was. (Crack? Crystal Meth?) Poor kid. She’s probably up to 3 packs a day by now.
— morecowbell Apr 17, 11:46 AM #
No way. That’s horrible.
— Veronica Apr 17, 12:25 PM #
boggleever get the impression that some people never really get the whole “your child is actually a human being that’s going to grow up, not an excitingly lifelike Betsy Wetsy doll” thing?
— belledame222 Apr 17, 07:36 PM #
I had someone tell me once that she knew a woman who named her child Loser. Yes. To get back at the loser father, apparently. Honestly, that borders on child abuse. I have no patience for people sometimes.
— patricia Apr 17, 08:49 PM #
Hehe. I always figured if you’re going to give the kid a weird name, you should give them a normal first or middle name, too, so they can use that on their business cards when they’re adults.
And ditto on the made-up names. Also, I hate the weird spellings of names. Like, how many different ways can you cram k’s and h’s and g’s into the name Mckayla (which is bad enough already)? I used to work at the answering service for a pediatrician a few years ago, and let me tell you, a good 60 percent of the girls were named Mckhaghlah or somesuch.
— Vanessa Apr 17, 09:33 PM #
I went to elemntary school in Texas with a girl called DeeDee. That wasn’t a nickname, that’s actually what her parents named her. Poor girl.
There was another girl in my class whose real name I can’t remember because it sounded just like Chlamydia , so that’s what eveyone called her.
I think parents who give their kids names that sound like STDs get extra-special bonus asshole points.
— CassandraSays Apr 18, 12:13 AM #
You know, I’ve known some awful names—a ‘Deja Blue,’ sister of ‘Sky’ and ‘Turquoise,’ comes to mind—but, well, damn.
Then again, I’ve always maintained that I was born transsexual just to avoid my father’s desire to name his first daughter after his beloved grandma. The decision was between her nickname—Fanny—or her full name—Faygeleh.
It technically means ‘little bird,’ but it also happens to be slang for ‘effeminate male homosexual,’ so the slang-and-nickname possibilities for both are basically endless.
...I have also maintained that I may have gotten the better end of the deal, even if I’d spent my adolescence begging teachers to just call me ‘Faye’ on the first day of class.
— little light Apr 18, 01:49 AM #
Oh, I remembered this too: my ex knew 3 sisters growing up named Tequila, Tenangra (sp?) and Tabitha. I’d say Tabitha got the better end of that deal. I mean, I’m all for creativity, and I love some tequila, but to name your child after liquor? Hmm. I guess Jose Cuervo could’ve been instrumental in the conception?
— morecowbell Apr 18, 10:22 AM #
Heh. King James. I knew a Senator Barnes.
Cassandra—I have cousin named Dee Dee. I also have a cat named Dee Dee.
Vanessa—everybody and their dogs named little boys Aiden, Aidan, Caden, Jayden, Rayden, Hayden, etc it the last few years. It’s insane. That ‘ayden’ sound is the new Jennifer.
little light—Faygeleh? That’s right up there with Gaylord Focker. That naming-after thing can become problematic.
morecowbell—there are supposedly a number of women named ‘Devodka’ out there. As in, “I blame de vodka…”
— Veronica Apr 18, 12:21 PM #
And, anyone that names their kid Loser deserves a sound ass-kicking.
— Veronica Apr 18, 12:22 PM #
What annoys me about McKayla is that it is actually Michaela. The dumbasses heard the name and sounded it out phonetically instead of figuring out it’s the feminine of Michael.
My oldest son is Dylan. My husband called to tell my father after he was born and got my stepmother and she misunderstood and thought we named him Gilligan. When my husband told me that I laughed so hard, which isn’t a good thing after a cesarean!
My husband wanted to name our youngest Jeremiah, which is bad enough, but our last name is Johnson!
— Donna Apr 20, 08:49 AM #
My husband wanted to name our youngest Jeremiah, which is bad enough, but our last name is Johnson!
LMAO. But, then he could rassle him a mountain lion!
— Veronica Apr 20, 10:34 AM #
i’m sure there are a number of Daniel Boones running around out there…
— belledame222 Apr 24, 01:32 AM #